He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
