he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
