I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i want to swaddle you in tequila
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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