I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
