I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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