matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
