I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
