She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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