No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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