I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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