Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
