i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
