someone get that fucking seahorse.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
