she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
You may now shotgun with the bride
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
