Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
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Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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