Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
