why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
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