i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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