his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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