She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
