U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
