Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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