I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Blood and glitter go together right?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.