You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
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I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
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she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.