apparently the secret to your success is patron
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.