Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
