he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I wish you could order shots online.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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