Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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