My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
