You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
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I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
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I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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