had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
