I haven't been this sober since birth.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
