I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
