The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
