Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
