Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
