you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
