we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
