They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
