some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
