I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
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