I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
