Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
