What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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