Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
