You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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