We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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