she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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