guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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