It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
