I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize