My room smells like vodka and shame
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
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