I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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