3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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