i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
