yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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